The Misadventures of the Newsies: A Fanfic of Epic Proportions
by Follow Those Owls
Summary: It was an ordinary day in New York until the newsies showed up. Les summons the ghost of Steve Jobs, Mush has a murse (man purse), Spot is assaulting fruit cart vendors so he can create a zombie army, an old lady gets revenge, and Blink uses terms like "homeslice"! Did I mention Spot's fear of butter?
1. Les and his iPhone

Les: *skipping down street all innocent like* TRA LA LA LA LA! Skip! Skip! Skip! *Trips over random stick and crashes into old lady* AHHH!

Old Lady: RAWR! I'm all into woman's lib! Just 'cuz I'm a old lady doesn't mean I'm not strong! HEAR ME ROAR! *throws Les across town somehow and he lands in front of the Lodging house*.

Jack: Wow….this is major awkward….Cuz we're having a party and you weren't invited…

David: *from somewhere inside Lodging house* BTW, I over took your side of the room. You can sleep on the rug.

Les: *starts crying but everyone feels bad 'cuz he's little and cute so they get mad at David*

Random Passerby: *walks by and sees Les* Oh, I bet your brother overtook your side of the room? Right?

Les *nods and sniffles*

Random Passerby: That happened to me! I had everyone slap him!

Everyone else: *slaps David*

Racetrack: Okay, scurry on now.

Les: *jumps up happily* Kay kay! *resumes skipping*

* * *

SOMEWHERE DOWN THE BLOCK

Spot: *jumps in front of Les* I'M FROM BROOKLYN YO! *pulls out gun and waves it around*

Les: *runs off all scared but falls again, this time over giant churro in street* OOH! Churro! *grabs piece of churro and shoves it in mouth* Oh, look, a square with an apple on it! Cool! *reaches for square*

Blink: *comes running with everyone from party following* WAIT! That's MY square!

Les: Is not!

Blink: Is too!

Les: IS NOT!

Blink: IS TOO!

Les: *bleep!*

David: *dramatically taken aback* OOOOOOH! YOU SWORE! OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

Les: *snaps fingers in Z formation * OH YES I DID!

David: Oh yeah? I'm gonna tell MOM! *runs in direction of house, other newsies follow*

Les: NOOOOOOOOOO! *remembers square* Oh, wait, I get the square. Take THAT, Blink! *does happy dance*Oh…..I need a pass code…..the word kind. How 'bout "llama"? *types in word*

iPhone: Wrong passcode.

Les: Hmm, is it "bran muffin"? *types in word again*

iPhone: Wrong passcode!

Les: This is so hard! How about…um….I got it! Fro-yo! *types in word yet again*

iPhone: Wrong passcode. iPhone disabled for 1 minute.

Les: *BLEEP BLEEP! BLEEP BLEEP!*

(All people cross to other side of street, murmuring something about "the cute ones losing their innocence")

Les's mom, Mrs. J: *comes up with small stampede of newsies, led by David* OMG LES YOU SWORE! You must be punished!

Les: But- *tries to defend self*

Sarah: *coming out of nowhere and singing* THERE'S A FIRE, STRATING IN MY HEART! *shakes butt*

Jack: How dare you shake your butt right here in public! I am officially breaking up with you! *dumps jug of pineapple juice on Sarah*

Sarah: NOOO! I must seek revenge!

Mush: Or you could just eat a Hot Pocket *shrugs shoulders*

Sarah: *screams in rage* It's 1899! They haven't _invented_ Hot pockets yet! *grabs Crutchy's crutch, making him fall over, and stabs Mush with it, then running off.

Mush: My last words are…..I OWN A MURSE! *dies*

Les: What the *bleep*'s a "murse"?

Blink: *snickering* a man purse!

(everybody laughs)

Mrs. J: *eyeing Les* Where are picking up this language, young man? Huh? Which one of you taught him this? *glares at Newsies while simultaneously pouring boysenberry syrup on Les's head*

Jack: Let's go back to the party where Les isn't invited! You come too! *Points at Mrs. J*

All other newises + Mrs. J: YEAH! *run to party*

Les: *turning attention back to iPhone* Ooh! I bet the pass code's *bleep*! *types in bad word*

iPhone: *unlocks*

Les: FLIPPING AWESOME! I'm gonna get a Facebook! *opens app and gets account*

* * *

A WEEK LATER

STILL SOMEWHERE IN TOWN

Les: *throws iPhone on ground and carriage or wagon or whatever they used runs over it*

Blink: *whines* LLLLLLEEEEESSSSSS! You broke the square!

Les: I'm the only member on Facebook, probs because Facebook won't be invented for another 105 years or so, and my newsfeed's soooo boring!

David: * rolls eyes and smacks Les over the head with newspaper* WOW, shocker there, Les! Of course it's boring! You're a newsies! You ARE the newsfeed!

Racetrack: You seriously broke the square over that?

Les: *rolls eyes* Duh!

Racetrack: *trying to think of witty comeback* well….old ladies think you're cute!

Les: *laughs hysterically*

David + Blink : *stare at Racetrack, all ashamed*

Racetrack: Whatty?

Blink: EVERYBODY thinks he's cute. That's not a comeback, that's a compliment!

Les: Smh! *rolls on ground laughing*

Blink, David, and Racetrack: *look at each other, confused*

David: what does that even mean?

Racetrack: Like I know. He's using 21st century acronyms in the 19th century. Must of picked it up on Facebook.

Crutchy: *drags self over (crutch still missing) with all Manhattan Newsies following* ATTENTION! LINDSAY LOHAN'S IN JAIL….AGAIN!

Everybody: Who?

Crutchy: Ya know….that child actor who's in jail every 5 minutes?

(Everybody shakes their heads, minus Les, who laughs and says "smh")

*OUT OF NOWHERE, STEVE JOBS APPEARS!*

Steve Jobs: Excuse me, little boy?

Les: HEY! I'm like 10 years old! THAT'S LIKE A TWEEN! NOT A LITTLE BOY! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

Everybody else: *murmurs to one another* what's a tween?

Steve Jobs: *unalarmed* ALRIGHT! Excuse me, little TWEEN boy, May I buy the little square you recently broke?

Les:*raises one eyebrow* how much you willing to pay? Eh?

Steve Jobs: A dime.

All newsies: *yelling at Les* TAKE THE DEAL! TAKE THE FLIPPING DEAL!

Les: DEAL!

Steve Jobs: *disappears in puff of smoke, iPhone gone, dime in his place*

Everybody: HUZZAH!

**What can I say about this mess. I love it.**


	2. The Great Search for Steve Jobs

**This was going to be a one-shot, but I changed my mind! This story is just fun to write so…. Here goes nothing. Thanks to StAgEcReWgIrl for the very kind review!**

**Disclaimer: Yes, I own Newsies. That's why I'm putting this story on FAN fiction.**

ONE WEEK LATER

THE JACOBS HOME

Jack: So, Les, what are you going to buy with that dime?

Les: *shrugs shoulders* IDK.

Jack: *turns to David* What does that even mean?

David: I don't know.

Les: Yeah! It means "I don't know"!

David: * rolls eyes* What kind of moron abbreviates stuff all the time?

Les: *puts hands on hips* Cool people. From the 21st century.

Jack: The people from the 21st century sound like idiots. Are they all from Brooklyn? *laughs and elbows David*

Spot: *smashes window and breaks in* DID YOU JUST MAKE FUN OF BROOKLYN?

Les: *runs to fridge, grabs butter, and throws it at Spot*

Spot: CRAP! I'm watching my calories! THE SATURATED FAT! THE SODIUM! NOOOOO! *starts crying*

Les: Calm down. It's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Spot: *Stops crying immediately* Okay, then I'm good. *eats entire container*

Les: *laughs hysterically* JK! JK!

Spot: *freezes* what?

Les: JUST KIDDING!

Spot: *faints*

Les: *burst of inspiration* I'M GOING TO BUY SOME KOOL AID! *runs out door*

David: What's Kool Aid?

Jack: Should we follow him?

David: We might as well. I want to know what this Kool Aid stuff is!

*Both run out door after Les*

* * *

15 MINUTES LATER

MEDDA'S

Les: *runs up to counter, followed by Jack and David, who are both exhausted*

David: GOSH LES! Are you trying out for the Track team or something?

Les: The what?

Jack: Never mind; why are we at Medda's? I've never heard of them selling anything called Kool Aid here.

Les: *ignores Jack* Hi Medda! Give me a grape Kool Aid. And put it on my tab.

David: Put it on your WHAT?

Medda: *pulls glass full of purple liquid out from under counter* Les, you don't have a tab. What's that, anyway?

Les: *slams down dime on counter* That should cover it.

Medda: *glances at dime* Why is this dime from the year 2012?

Les: *smiles * hashtag YOLO!

Jack: WHAT?

Medda: I can't accept this. It has to be a fake dime; the year 2012 won't come for another 113 years. Sorry!

Les: But Steve Jobs gave it to me in exchange for my iPhone!

Medda: Who?

Les: *gives up and stomps out of store*

Jack: Where's he going now?

David: * shrugs shoulders* I'm only following him because my mom would murder me if I lost him.

* * *

THE LODGING HOUSE  
Les: *stomps into room* I'm sure you're all wondering why I called you here today.

Itey: Um, you just walked in here, you didn't call us.

Les: SILENCE!

Crutchy: *falls off of bed, drags self over to closet, and opens door to find crutch* I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE HIDING MY CRUTCH FROM ME! JERKS!

*Jack and David run into Lodging house*

David: Has anyone seen Les?

Blink: *rolls eyes* Are you blind? He's literally right there.

David: You know why Sorry is my favorite game?

Blink: What? Sorry?

David: BECAUSE IT'S THE GAME OF SWEET REVENGE! MWHAHAHA! *switches Blinks eye patch to other eye so he can't see* THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR SASSING ME!

Blink: *raises eyebrow and switches eye patch back*

David: DARN IT!

Les: WE NEED TO GET STEVE JOBS TO GIVE ME MY SQUARE BACK!

Racetrack: Oh, the square you IDIOTICALLY had run over in the last chapter?

Les: *grins* The very same.

Itey: Why wasn't I in that chapter?

Blink: You were found unimportant by the author. *chuckles*

Itey: RAWR!

David: Hey, you're lucky. Mush died.

Itey: *laughs* Oh, right!

Les: ANYWAY, how are we going to get the square back?

(Everyone thinks in silence)

Racetrack: I GOT IT! We make another thing that has an apple on it, and the Steve Jobs guy will show up!

Les: PERFECT IDEA! We'll just make the same thing, but bigger!

Everyone: YES! *run in different directions to collect parts*

* * *

1 HOUR LATER

STILL AT THE LODGING HOUSE

Les: Okay! Everyone dump the stuff you found!

(Everyone drops their stuff on the ground)

Racetrack: Okay, we have a papaya, a sheet of paper, a green marker, a pair of safety scissors, a blender, the wheel of a toy car, Les's sword, a used cigar, and a lady bug, who is currently making an escape.

Les: HEY! *grabs sword* WHO PUT THAT THERE? WHO? WHO?

Jack: You did, Les.

Les: Oh, right.

David: Let's put together something that looks like the square, only bigger!

Everyone: *gets to work*

HALF AN HOUR LATER

(An iPad looking thing had been made by sticking the marker, the blender, the cigar, and the wheel together with mashed up papaya, and a cut-out of an apple made of paper is on top)

Les: GOOD WORK! NOW TO PUT THIS IN TOWN! FOLLOW ME! *bolts out door, everyone follows*

* * *

SOMEWHERE IN TOWN

Les: places iPad thing on ground where the square was originally run over*

Sarah: *coming out of nowhere, AGAIN* NEVER MIND, I'LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUU! I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BESSSTTT, FOR YOUUU TOOO! *sings in Jack's face*

Les: *slaps Sarah*

Sarah: OWWWW! YOU CAN'T HIT A GIRL!

Les: You're my sister, so it's allowed, and plus everyone likes me better than you.

Sarah: WAAHHH! *runs off in tears*

Les: Alright, with that out of the way, CUE THE THING TO RUN OVER THE BIGGER SQUARE!

*Car or horse or buggy or whatever runs over iPad thing*

Blink: Where's Steve Jobs?

Les: *shrugs* IDK.

Blink: What?

*STEVE JOBS APPEARS!*

Steve Jobs: You again?

Les: Yeah! This dime doesn't work! Can I have my square?

Steve Jobs: Whatever, kid.

Les: HEY! WE WENT OVER THIS IN THE LAST CHAPTER! I AM A TWEEN!

Steve Jobs: *disappears in random explosion of skittles, broken iPhone left in place* TASTE THE RAINBOW!

Everybody: HUZZAH!

**Reviews are much appreciated! =)**

**Seize the day!**


	3. Spot and The BRILLIANT Idea

**Well, it's been a while since I worked on this story! But here's a new chapter anyway! This chapter shifts its attention from Les to Spot.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING!**

Spot: I'm gonna go drink some beer or something even though I look like I'm eleven years old or something! * walks into Medda's*

(Les and other Newsies are all there because Medda's is like the only place to hang out for some reason)

Les: *whispers to other Newsies*

Racetrack: Really?

Les: yeah!

Blink: LOL!

Jack: Are you still trying to talk like you're from the 21st century?

Blink: *rolls eyes* duh, Homeslice!

Jack: What did you just call me?

Spot: *walks over*

Everyone: *starts giggling*

Spot: *confused* why are you giggling like little girls?

David: *pulls out some butter*

Spot: You guys are flipping weird.

David: SURPRISE ATTACK! * throws butter at Spot*

Spot: AH! Butter! *pulls out slingshot*

Les: That's all you got? What happened to that gun you had in the first chapter? * raises eyebrow*

Spot: The author decided to actually WATCH THE MOVIE and decided it no longer went with my character.

Racetrack: Why are you watchin' the calories? Eh?

Spot: So I don't lose my FIGURE! * puts hands on hips and does neck roll*

Blink: who are you? Tyra Banks? Fo Shizzle!

Spot: Who? What?

Les: we are no longer afraid of you! Ha! *x formation snap*

Spot: The ladies love me!

Everybody: *mumbles* yeah...

Racetrack:*leaps onto table* they won't once we tell them about your fear of butter!

Everybody: Yeah!

Spot: um...I'm the only one of you with a last name!

Jack: I have a last name! And the author actually remembers it! I AM JACK KELLY HEAR ME ROAR!

Spot: Hey! Just let the author google it!

(moment of silence)

Spot: yeah, we're thinking my last name is like, Conlon or somethin' stupid like that * rolls eyes*

Blink: Lol!

Spot: What?

Crutchy: *interrupting* I have a last name too, I believe it's Morris!

Blink: Never mind DAWG.

Spot: Did you just call SPOT POSSIBLY CONLON A DOG? *slaps Blink*

Blink: *whispers* Guys, is having an eyepatch considered a disability?

Crutchy: AS THE TOKEN DISABLED GUY, I know this crap, and yeah, you are disabled.

Blink: SPOT! You hit me, and I'm disabled, so that's sexual harassment!

Spot: No it's not! It's assault!

(All girls in Medda's hear Spot and slowly back away, running out the door.)

Les: THE LADIES don't like you so much anymore *snickers*

Spot: *crosses arms and walks over to nearest girl* Hey doll face.

Doll Face: *whispers something to her friend, and they leave*

Spot: *raises eyebrows* I don't believe it!

Blink: It's the truth homie.

Spot: What does that even mean? Like hobo? *stomps out the door before an answer is given.*

David: *calls* Don't let the door hit you on your way out!

(Everybody laughs)

* * *

SOMEWHERE IN BROOKLYN

Spot: Rawr! I demand revenge! *throws beloved slingshot on ground and it is run over* NOOO! MY BABY!

*STEVE JOBS APPEARS FOR THE THIRD FLIPPING TIME!*

SJ: Oh my gosh, did anyone ever tell you people to let the dead rest in peace?!

Spot: My slingshot is broken and I want revenge! *tears up*

SJ: You were more tough in the first chapter. *shakes head disapprovingly*

Spot: My beloved CHILD IS DEAD!

SJ: *whispers under his breath* drama queen...

Spot: *grabs slingshot* Just tell me how to get revenge!

SJ: I'll tell you, but you have to make something I can call a "MacBook Air".

Spot: *thinks for a moment, because Spot is just so flipping smart when it comes to making deals* Deal!

SJ: Okay, first you need a dead guy!

Spot: *laughs* Mush!

SJ: And turn him into an Aberzombie!

Spot: A what?

SJ: A person obsessed with Aberzombie & Fitch clothes, duh! *rolls eyes*

Spot: How do I do that?

SJ: THAT'S NOT MY JOB! FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF! I gotta go, I'm late for book club! We're reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! I'll be back in a week for my MacBook! *disappears in explosion of tacos*

Spot: And yet, the true mystery is how peanuts get in their shells. *Pulls out peanut* HEY! YOU GUYS GOT WI-FI IN THERE?!

Peanut: *suspiciously not answering back*

Nameless Brooklyn Newsie: *attempts and fails to sneak up on Spot* HEEEEY!

Spot: ...Do I know you?

Nameless Brooklyn Newsie: Probably not, that's not my buiness. How are you gonna start an army?

Spot: *thinks for a good ten minutes while Jeopardy music plays in the background* I KNOW! I will start a business called Abercrombie and Fitch! The logo shall be the moose! I will over-price things!

NBN: ...What have you been smoking?

Spot: BTW, the author knows that Abercrombie was made like 7 years before this story takes place, but this is more entertaining!

NBN: *slowly backs away*

* * *

STILL SOMEWHERE IN BROOKLYN

2 DAYS LATER

(Spot has somehow created a huge building and started A&F. There are customers!)

Les: *walks into Abercrombie with David and Crutchy* Fancy place. Who do you think runs it?

Spot: *dramatic spotlight appears* I DO!

David: Really? That's so...*trails off and starts laughing hysterically*

Crutchy: Ooh! Pants! *grabs random pants off shelf* MINE! *begins chewing on pants*

Spot: You have to pay for that. I'm an entrepreneur!

Crutchy: Okay! You can have...THIS! *throws something at Spot*

Spot: *raises eyebrow* This...is a coupon for cookies. And it's expired.

Crutchy: I FANCY ME SOME ICED WATER! *runs out of store with pants*

Les and David: *look at each other and shrug*

Spot: So...where did you guys bury Mush?

Les: Bury him?

David: No one buried Mush. We threw him off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Spot: YOU GUYS MAKE IT SO FLIPPING HARD TO CREATE A ZOMBIE ARMY!

Les: What?

Spot: *freaks out* OH! I mean bake cookies to um...take to grandma's house!

David: *starts laughing again* now the Great Spot bakes cookies for his grandma! Ha! C'mon, Les! Let's go tell the others! *grabs Les and runs out of store*

Spot: *facepalms*

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE

Spot: Okay, looking for Mush!

*IN SUDDEN FLASH OF LIGHT, A FRUIT CART APPEARS!*

Spot: *confused* What the heck?

Fruit Cart Vendor: Hi! I'm on a TV show for SyFy!

Spot: For what?

Fruit Cart Vendor: MY NAME IS DEVIN MARBLE AND THIS *pulls out mango* IS A MAGICAL BANANA!

Spot: Okay, first of all, that's a mango, and second of all, I've never heard of you.

Fruit Cart Vendor: Well, what if I told you this banana could turn people into Aberzombies? Eh?

Spot: *flips out* GIMME GIMME GIMME!

Fruit Cart Vendor: Get me some sawdust first.

Spot: Sawdust? Why? From who?

Fruit Cart Vendor: *shrugs* That guy over there has some.

Spot: *looks over at old man lugging large bag of sawdust* Okay, BRB!

(Spot jumps in front of the sawdust guy.)

Spot: Can I have that sawdust?

Sawdust guy: What are you, 11?

Spot: I'm SIXTEEN!

Sawdust guy: you can have the sawdust...if you give me some paint.

Spot: *flips out* OH HELL NO. This will NOT turn into one of those ridiculous things where I end up doing a million favors for everybody like on TV. NO. *runs back to Fruit Cart Vendor.*

Fruit Cart Vendor: Didja get it?

Spot: No. Can I just have the mango?

Fruit Cart Vendor: BANANA!

Spot: WHATEVER!

Jack: *walking by, notices Spot* So now The Epic Spot Conlon yells at innocent fruit cart guys? I am SOOO tweeting this once somebody invents Twitter!

Spot: *headesks*

Steve Jobs: *appears in the background* So...no Macbook, then?


End file.
